They deserve an explanation

I promised I would never be a 'because I said so' parent.

Why?

Because I hated it when I was a child. It felt so unfair and seemingly arbitrary, this idea that just because an adult had decided something should be done now, or a certain way, or wasn't allowed, then it had to be so, purely by virtue of the fact that they had said so.

One of the things I've noticed with having high intensity and intelligent kids is a real resistance to naked authority.

What I mean by that is they don't like simply following orders just because someone else told them to do something. They want a reason. It's been a topic of hot debate among our family and friends, with several people remarking that our children aren't 'disciplined' or don't have enough rules, and I can totally understand why.

If you're a parent with a child that snaps to attention when you even start to raise your voice or when you pull out the 'because I said so' card, then it's reasonable to look at other people's kids and believe them to be unruly and disobedient when they don't follow suit. I've seen my relatives start to bristle when I ask my own son to do something fairly innocuous only to be gifted with the rather brusque but well-intended "No, I'm too busy daddy". But I think it's a little more nuanced than them just being badly behaved.

Our kids are delightfully sweet, polite and considerate - to family, friends and strangers alike - when they decide to be. They play and share beautifully together (mostly) and exceedingly rarely do they have any sort of prolonged altercation either with each other or with a family member.

I've never seen them fight with other children.

Another thing we've noticed is how they generally seem to behave around other adults. When they're shy or nervous, or even just a little out of their true comfort zone - such as when visiting the grandparents - they behave and listen carefully.

I imagine this won't come as a surprise to many exasperated parents, whose darling offspring seem to reserve the very worst of their behaviour just for you when they're in the comfort of their own home and can really let go of any inhibitions. I can sympathise - we have a similar scenario in our house.

However there is another pattern I've noticed at home which has profoundly impacted the way we approach our own parenting.

If we take a second to explain why we want them to do something, they pretty much always do it

This sounds ridiculously simple, but it's amazing how infrequently we actually offer toddlers an explanation, because we rather brazenly assume they don't need one, that they're too young to understand or require it. We felt the same way until our own kids made it painfully obvious that a simple instruction just wasn't going to fly, and some actual justification was required if they were to even think about following our request.

Consider the following:

Option 1

Hey buddy, please could you come and get changed?

No

Please come and get changed, I'm asking you very nicely

NO

Come and get changed now, or we won't go to the zoo

*Incoherent screaming from at least one of us*

A frequent occurence in our living room.

Option 2

Hey buddy, please could you come and get dressed?

No

I'd love it if you could come and get your clothes on, because then we can go to the zoo and see all the wonderful animals

*considers for a moment*

Why?

Well the animals at the zoo don't wear clothes, so if we go to the zoo and you don't have any clothes on, the zookeeper might think one of the monkeys has escaped!

*Grins and runs over*

Please understand that this doesn't always work. Sometimes it triggers an argument all of its own, like why the zookeeper hasn't been trained to distinguish a human from a monkey etc. But often, making it into a bit of a fun game, with a clear - "I want you to do this, because of this reason that sort of makes sense" - is enough to let them feel like it's a reasonable request.

It also puts them more in the driving seat of the decision, feeling like they chose to come and get dressed, rather than following your instruction.

I don't pretend for a second that this is going to resolve every disagreement, nor do I think that the aim is to try and outsmart or deceive one's offspring. Rather it is merely meant to highlight how the addition of because, and even a brief (and ridiculous) justification for the initial parental request can dramatically alter the course of the discussion, and maybe prevent an argument.

By offering a reason for the request, not only are you giving them the chance to practice making an informed decision - something they're going to have to spend their whole adult lives doing - but you're also showing them the respect that you show to other adults. I'm sure that my kids hear how I talk to other grown ups and then get frustrated when I talk to them any differently, because we've noticed a substantial improvement in cooperation when we talk to them as if they were simply little adult housemates. (and based on our university experience it's not too dissimilar).

I'd also be lying if I claimed that we managed to adhere to this advice all the time.

We don't, because we can't. It's completely exhausting and we're only human. Very very sleep deprived humans just trying to do our best. But so dramatic is the difference in the response we get that it often ends up actually being the much easier path to take, so we try our best as much as we can.

So from now on, our mission is to embrace the power of 'because', and try to give at least some form of justification for most if not all of our requests, because after all - don't they deserve it?