He's ready for school now

We've heard this phrase thrown around a lot recently, largely because our eldest has just turned five and would have started school this September.

He's also going through all the lively ups and downs that are to be expected from a bright young mind that's still working out how the world (and itself) works.

"Ah well he's ready for school now isn't he" they say, and for a while we didn't really understand what it meant.

But we reckon we've figured it out - what it really means is,

"He's growing up and has increasingly complex learning needs and behavioural challenges, and rather than deal with them at home, he should be sent off to school for them to sort it out".

It's frustrating.

We've talked a lot with our friends who have taken the decision homeschool and other parents who attend the same groups and activities as us, and they report having the same experience, usually from family members who aren't quite on board with the concept of not going to school.

I agree to some extent.

Yes, they're growing up and their educational, emotional and social requirements are changing. As they move away from the 'baby' and 'toddler' phase into more independent young children that are able to integrate more cohesively with society on their own, it makes sense that they'd likely benefit from a 'change of scene'.

But is school the best change of scene for them, or just the only one that's readily available?

Well there aren't really any other options.

Our eldest clearly needs to spread out more - his interests are broadening, his abilities increasing and his appetite for knowledge is seemingly insatiable. It is tricky to balance this with the needs of the other two, aged 3 and 1, who have much of the required enthusiasm but haven't yet developed the attention span or ability to read to keep up just yet.

Their own world vs being with Mum and Dad

• Is it better for them to have their 'own world' that Mum and Dad don't see, in the form of their classroom and their interactions with their classmates and teachers?
• Or is it better to remain within the safety of the family unit and learn about the outside world with gradually increasing independence as they feel ready?

It's hard to tell, and presumably different kids need different things.

Many of our friends' children have taken to school like ducks to water, coming bounding home at the end of the day full of energy and enthusiasm about the adventure they've had with their friends. They relish having their own slice of life that they get to experience by themselves and then tell Mum and Dad all about afterwards.

Others haven't had such luck, and find themselves tirelessly repairing the damage sustained as a result of loniless, bullying or just not fitting in.

I remember feeling very anxious and lonely at school - even when firmly in a solid friendship group and doing academically well - and would often just want to curl up at home and hide. I'd watch the other kids with envy and resentment as they seamlessly fit in with everyone else, joining in with whatever game or topic of conversation seemed to be in vogue that week.

How did they find it so easy? What was I doing wrong?

Taylored independence

Independence is clearly a good thing. We're raising adults, and at some point they're going to have to handle all of this madness on their own, and maybe even raise a family of their own.

• They need to struggle
• They need to be self-sufficient
• They need to believe that they can do it on their own

But after five years of raising our eldest, we've gotten a feel for how he likes to become independent - and that's bit by bit, with parents behind him.

We took him to a toddler's gymnastics group, and in the first session he refused to go on any of the equipment. I showed him that it was safe, and even fun to play with, but he firmly refused, choosing to play with the array of toys spread over the floor instead.

I felt frustrated that he didn't want to at least try it, and as I watched everyone else's children bouncing merrily on trampolines and swinging from rings, wondered what I had done wrong as a parent.

We tried again next week, and what do you know - straight onto the rings. Without even a shred of hesitation. The week after that - bouncing on the trampoline and launching himself into the foam pit.

I needn't have worried, he just needed time. We've seen exactly the same pattern with our subsequent kids. If we try and push them to do something, they push back with equal force. If we expose them to new experiences, show them that we're right behind them, and just give them time - they're loving it in no time.

From an evolutionary point of view this makes complete sense. Mammals learn by watching their parents, copying, and then bit by bit, starting to do it on their own. It's safe, it allows the parent to check that they're doing it right, to correct mistakes, and to encourage them.

It's only us humans that have decided to suddenly drop our kids off in an unfamiliar building at the age of five - surrounded by other kids who just happen to be of the same chronological (and not necessarily developmental) age - and introduce them to an array of strange adults who they're supposed to listen to and take instruction.

Gifted kids don't fit

A lot of kids enjoy school and benefit from the mix of education and social interaction that it brings - no question.

But as with all human characteristics, emotional maturity, IQ, learning, social and physical development all lie on a bell curve, with the middle third generally fitting in well to most situations in society, and anyone outside that having progressively increasing difficulty in relating to their peers, particularly in stressful, intense social situations.

You don't have to be very far to the left or right on this graph to find traditional schooling very challenging.

Everyone agrees that children with lower IQ scores have specific educational requirements that don't fit the traditional model, but if you try and suggest the same thing because a child sits on the other side of the graph, you don't get quite the same reception.

There are two possible outcomes from forcing a brain into a school that doesn't fit:

• The child changes themselves to 'fit in'
• The child is ostracised and lonely

I know because I did both of these.

What about the routine?

Again - totally agree with much of this.

A sense of routine, structure and control is always going to help a child get a grip on their world and allow them to build their skills, knowledge and confidence in a safe and enjoyable way.

If there's no structure then they end up getting terribly stressed out just trying to figure out what's coming around the corner next.

We've certainly noticed this - all of our kids seem more content and settled on days where there is a clear plan, especially if its similar to what we did on the same day last week.

So we're attempting to build some structure into our days - which is easier said than done - especially with James on a rolling rota that involves weekends and night shifts, and Marie picking up random twelve hour day shifts as they become available.

For example - Thursdays is wake up, play in the sitting room, breakfast, get dressed, drive to ballet, back home for lunch, off to the library to pick up a new sackful of books, then back home for a walk, some reading, dinner, bath and bed.

Thursdays are generally reliably manageable, with vastly less screaming* than the other days of the week.

*from all of us.

We're very happy to be wrong

We say this a lot, because it's true and worth repeating - we're totally prepared to be completely wrong about this.

We're just doing our best.

If our kids turn around to us and say they want to try school, we'll completely support that decision. It may well be that the structure, syllabus and social set up of conventional schooling is actually exactly what they need and enjoy - and if so then fair enough - we misjudged the situation and are just happy they're in a better situation now.

We just want to help them by doing our best for them with what we've got.

Currently we feel that their needs are best met by doing activities, adventures and projects with their family and close friends, so we'll crack on for now, and if anything changes - we'll let you know!